why steven seagal is better than sean penn

I watched Hard to Kill again yesterday, this time with my brother in law. It's so awesome, it's so freaking funny and I just had a great great time. I love Steven Seagal. I wrote most of my 12,000 word dissertation on him, I've seen his blues band play live in concert, I have ten of his films, I've read a book on him. He's in my top 3 favourite actors of all time (along with Will Ferrel and Arnold Schwarzenegger). I've got an A level in film studies, I've got a degree (from an actual university) in film studies. And I love, I Love his films. I want to write a blog to begin to patch up this gaping academic black hole.

I watch films to entertain me, I eat food to nourish me. Therefore if that food nourishes me, then it is Good. The food that only nourishes me a small amount, it is not good. If that food nourishes me a large amount, it is good! If a film entertains me a large amount, it is good, therefore Hard to Kill is better than Dances With Wolves, which was the Oscar winner for best picture that year.

My relationship with Seagal has been a journey, and like every relationship, I've had to work at it. The chronological curve is as such; 1. he's an unfunny joke from a dead era, 2. he's an funny joke from a dead era, 3. I love him and his films. Most people get stuck at either the first or second stage. I implore you, put the effort in, do work, because the results are beautiful and fulfilling!

If you only watch one film, (I agree with Vern on this one) watch On Deadly Ground. It is one of the best films ever. Why? One reason is because it has one of the highest laugh to scene ratio of any film I've seen. Another is that the penultimate scene is a constant and massive explosion for 15 straight minutes. Another is the incredible dream sequence in which Seagal beats lust and chooses wisdom. On that note, action heroes fulfill our unfulfillable desires. Jack Bauer brings violent cold blooded justice, Bond gets the girls, John Mclane is Cool etc. We can't torture people or get tortured (admit it, you'd love to see if they could 'crack' you), we can't get the girls, we aren't cool. I would Love to choose wisdom over lust like Seagal does in this dream sequence, truth is, I don't. Another reason is the speech that Seagal makes at the end. It's basically Al Gore's Inconvenient Truth in 10 minutes, only better and 12 years earlier. The film ends and then this speech is tagged on the end, it's like going to bed Christmas night only to be woken up 5 minutes later by your mum saying "wake up, wake up, it's your birthday!". Another reason is it was the only film that Seagal himself directed. Therefore it has the most 'look how awesome Seagal is' shots and dialogue of any Seagal film. To end, here is a sample of some of that dialogue:

(An old experienced mercenary they've brought in to kill Seagal) 'Stone': My guy in D.C. tells me that we are not dealing with a student here, we're dealing with the Professor. Any time the military has an operation that can't fail, they call this guy in to train the troops, OK? He's the kind of guy that would drink a gallon of gasoline so he could piss in your campfire! You could drop this guy off at the Arctic Circle wearing a pair of bikini underwear, without his toothbrush, and tomorrow afternoon he's going to show up at your pool side with a million dollar smile and fist full of pesos. This guy's a professional, you got me? If he reaches this rig, we're all gonna be nothing but a big goddamned hole right in the middle of Alaska. So let's go find him and kill him and get rid of the son of a bitch!

My Top 5 Seagal films
1. Hard to Kill
2. On Deadly Ground
3. Under Siege
4. Out For Justice
5. Nico (aka Above the Law)

you can get these for next to nothing on ebay or amazon.

Warning! Don't buy anything post Exit Wounds (2001), because it's bound to be awful.